SEASON FIVE

DETOUR

Stonecypher: "When I stood on Mike's shoulders, and I put that electric pencil sharpener on top of the pile, we both knew. We could never have done it alone."
Mulder: "Kill me now."

Stonecypher: "Have you ever been to a seminar Agent Mulder?"
Mulder: "No, you know unfortunately around this time of year I always develop a severe haemorrhoidal condition."

Mulder: "How do I say this without using any negative words?"
Scully: "You want me to tell them that you're not going to make it to this year's team-work seminar."
Mulder: "Yes. You see that, we don't need that conference, we have communication like that, unspoken, you know what I'm thinking."

Scully: "Mulder we're in Western Florida. The closest thing to primitive down here is living in a beach-front retirement condo."

Mulder: "Who cut the cheese?"
Scully: "Since we won't be making it to the conference."
Mulder: "Ah. Par-tay!"
Scully: "However, I must remind you this goes against the Bureau's policy of male and female agents consorting in the same motel room while on assignment."
Mulder: "Try any of that tailhook crap on me Scully and I'll kick your ass!"

Scully: "You know Mulder, sometimes I think some work on your communication skills wouldn't be such a bad idea."
Mulder: "I'll be back soon and, we can build a tower of furniture. OK?"

Mulder: (on video) "The invisible man - was invisible."

Scully:(on tracks) "You're putting me on."
Mulder: "No, my dad and I were Indian guides, I know these things."

Scully: (on Glaser's nature speech) "Walt Whitman?"
Glaser: "No, 'When Animals Attack' on the Fox network."

Mulder: "They became known as mothmen. I got an X-file dating back to 1952 on it."
Scully: "What would that be filed next to, the cockroach that ate Cincinnatti?"
Mulder: "No, the cockroach that ate Cincinnatti's in the C's, Mothmen's over in the M's."

Scully: "You were an Indian guide, help me out here."
Mulder: "Indian guide says maybe you should run to the store and get some matches."
Scully: "I would, but I left my wallet in the car."

Mulder: "What are you doing?"
Scully: "Trying to open my gun. If I can separate the shell from the casing, maybe I can get the powder to ignite."
Mulder: "And maybe it'll start raining weenies and marshmallows."

Mulder: "I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat is to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with somebody else who's already naked."
Scully: "Well maybe if it rains sleeping bags you'll get lucky."

Scully: "You ever thought seriously about dying?"
Mulder: "Yeah, once when I was at the Ice Capades."

Scully: (on shell casing) "Tada!"
Mulder: "Go girl."

Mulder: "Hey, who did you identify with when you were a kid, Wilma or Betty?"
Scully: "I identified with Betty's bust line."
Mulder: "Yes, I did too."
Scully: "Could never have been married to Barney though. Their kids were cute."
Mulder: "But where are they today?"

Mulder: (when Scully moves him) "I don't wanna wrestle!"

Mulder: "Mulder, you don't want me to sing, I can't carry a tune."

Scully: "I fell down a hole!"
Mulder: "You alright?"
Scully: "Yeah, I landed on soft earth, uh, kind of."

Kinsley: "Well, we just got all the thanks, when you did all the work."
Mulder: "No, on the contrary Agent Kinsley, we would never have gotten involved in this if not for you."

POST-MODERN PROMETHEUS

Mulder: "Scully, do you think it's too early to get my own 1-900 number?"

Scully: "Peanut-butter sandwiches?"
Mulder: "You think baloney would be more effective?"

CHRISTMAS CAROL

Det. Kresge: (on Scully's return) "It's been, what, four hours? I was getting worried."

EMILY

Doctor: "Are you two the parents?"

Mulder: "I'm at the maternity ward."
Frohike: "Any fetching young mothers in there?"
Mulder: "Yeah, I think you might have a shot here, Frohike."

KITSUNEGARI

Mulder: (on paint victim) "I'm going to take a wild stab here, and guess this is a clue!"

SCHIZOGENY

Mulder: (climbing tree) "Hey Scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?"

Mulder: "Is it possible that he took the term 'mud-pie' literally?"

KILL SWITCH

Invisigoth: "You want my address? It's T-O-A-S-T!"

Invisigoth: "Are you going to take off these cuffs, or do I have to do this with my tongue?"

BAD BLOOD

Mulder: "Prison, Scully. You're cellmate's nickname is gonna be Large Marge, she's gonna read a lot of Gertrude Stein!"

Scully: "You're not gonna tell me you think this is that Mexican goat-sucker thing?"
Mulder: "El Chubacabra? No, they've got four fangs, not two, and they suck goats, hence the name!"

Sheriff Hartwell: "You really know your stuff, Dana."
Mulder: "Dana?! He never even knew your first name!

Mulder: "Sheriff, do you have an old cemetery in town, off the beaten path, the creepier the better?"

Scully: "Begin autopsy of white male, aged sixty, who is arguably having a worse time in Texas than I am. Although not by much."

Mulder: "We've got another dead tourist, you gotta do another autopsy."
Scully: "Tonight? I - just put money in the magic fingers."
Mulder: "I won't let it go to waste. He he he!"
Scully: "This one's my room Mulder, don't get mud everywhere."

Scully: "Though you were drugged, you were - more or less ok."
Mulder: (in flashback) "Who's the private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Shaft! Can you dig it? They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother, shut your mouth. Talking 'bout Shaft."
Mulder: (present) "I did not!

Scully: "Well it's obviously not a vampire."
Mulder: "Why not?"
Scully: "Because they don't exist!"

Sheriff Hartwell: "I ain't hearin' any birds singing, right? Course, it's winter and we ain't got no birds..."

Sheriff Hartwell: (on Rain-man)"I tell you what, I know I'm in law enforcement, but I'd like to take him to Vegas myself, am I right?!"
Mulder: "Yeah, well, well that would be illegal, right?"

Scully: "What do you mean, you want me to do another autopsy? And why do we have to do it right now? I just spent hours on my feet doing an autopsy, all for you. I do it all for you Mulder, you know I haven't eaten since six o'clock this morning and all that was was half of a cream cheese bagle and it wasn't even real cream cheese it was light cream cheese, and now you want me to run off and do another autopsy? - What the hell happened to you?"

Scully: "Don't you touch that bed."

Coroner: (examining Ronnie, with a stake through his heart) "Probable cause of death - gee, that's a tough one!"

Mulder: "The coroner's dead?"
Skinner: "No, his throat was bitten. It was sort of - knawed on."

Scully: "W - he was dead."
Mulder: "I noticed that."
Scully: "With a stake through his heart."
Mulder: "I noticed that too."

Mulder: "That is - essentially, exactly the way it happened."
Scully: "Essentially."
Mulder: "Except for the part about the buck teeth."

TRAVELERS

Dales: (on X-Files) "Why don't you file them under 'u' for unsolved?"
Clerk: "I did, until I ran out of room."

PATIENT X

Scully: "I'm done here. You seem to have invalidated your own work. Have a nice life."

MIND'S EYE

Det. Pennock: "You are one sceptical guy, Agent Mulder."

THE PINE BLUFF VARIANT

Hotel manager: "Are you the wife?"
Scully: "Not even close!"

Scully: "Exactly what agency are you guys from?" (silence) "Obviously not the office of information."

Leamus: "What happened to your hand?"
Mulder: "Terrorist lie-detector."

Mulder: "If you don't hear from me by midnight - feed my fish."

FOLIE A DEUX

Zombie nurse: "Don't let the bed bugs bite."